can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

for the record.
i'm the one that's torn my heart apart.
because i'm letting go of one of the best things that ever happened to me.
i hold on to things.
even when there's no hope left.
i'm weak like that.
i've loved him for basically the last year of my life.
i didn't want a serious relationship right now.
or even a complicated one.
i just wanted a future that was with him.
it's pretty sad when i would close my eyes and imagine that it would happen that way.
i could wish for the world.
for the best of health.
for all the dvds of InuYasha and every known cd to man.
i could wish for my body to be completely "perfect" and inked.
but none of that would matter of course.
when you love someone enough, there's a point where you have to learn when to let them go.
because if you keep dragging them down, you'll never bring them happiness.
i can never bring happiness.
i only bring sorrow.
also for the record.
life without color would be like life without you.
because life without you is far worse than losing a few shades of green and orange.
i don't really know what to do with myself without you.
i was never a good match for you, i know.
but you always complimented me so well.
like sugar and coffee.
peanut butter and jelly.
maybe you aren't going to be the person i wake up next to ten years from now for rest of my days.
and more than likely, you aren't going to be the one i play fight with by smuding flour on your face in the kitchen when i'm trying to bake a cake.
and perhaps you aren't going to be the one i say good night to and lay down beside at night.
doesn't mean i never wanted all of that with you.
in fake, you're the only one i ever saw any of that with.
you weren't prince charming.
or a knight in shining armor.
but the day you messaged me.
somehow, you saved me.
and you've continued to save me every day since then.
and i'm never going to be able to stop loving you.
and there's a chance that i'll never be able to truly let go deep inside.
but i can act like i can.
acting like i'm okay is what i've been good at for the past 19 years of my life.
and for my birthday.
nothing would work as well as if i was able to get a hug.
because your arms always felt right.
i'm sorry.
because deep down i know some how this is my fault.
i love you.
so much.
your the color in my oh so dull life sir.

burned

I finally read the 7th House of Night novel.

it came out almost a month ago, and I've been beating my head against a wall because I couldn't get to it.

I do believe it's my favorite thus far, though the 6th runs a close second.

P.C. & Kristin mentioned Glee in the book, which made me smile from ear to ear.

Plus, they've continued the style of writing that made me fall in love with the first of the series.

Any major character in the book has a personality of their own, and not one should be considered a lego block (unlike a certain person in another [gay] vampire series).

It took me 3 hours to read because I was in B&N in an uncomfortable chair, people were constantly walking by, & the rain outside was a major distraction.

Plus, I had a migraine and I hadn't eaten that entire day until I got home.

But to say I wasn't happy would be a lie.

It's one of the happiest 3 hours I've had in a long long time.

House of Night inspires me so much, even though I haven't picked up a pencil to draw or write anything or taken a mouse to pixel.

I have the images in my head, the ideas.

The romance swirls in my mind, the vivid colors, the Darkness, the Light.

There is hardly any House of Night fanart, as I've looked through google & on deviantart.

And if there is, it's mainly of Zoey or Heath, Erik, Loren, or one of those.

I want art of Rephaim.

Kalona.

of Darkness and Light.

of Nyx.

I have a gorgeous painting in my mind of the old bulls.

Black is Light and white is Darkness.

masculine.

strength.

I've been so lost.

So sad.

So depressed.

Uninspired.

I have the urge to draw Rephaim.

There's no images of him anywhere.

Nothing except The Casts' descriptions and my imagination.

Anyway.

Since I only have 5 of the seven books. (I own 1-4 & 6 but not 5 and 7)

I think someone should indulge in my obsession.

just saying.

*coughbirthdaycough*

;p

jk.

I don't expect that.

but I would enjoy a nook! (e reader for you darling Oliver).

it's way more expensive though.

but it's so worth it.

Verde.

may = favorite super hero default picture month.

june = favorite super villain default picture month.

Is it redundant and a bit silly that both my favorite super hero(ine) & villain are green?

oh well.

Since may is now, everyone already knows I have She-Hulk as my default.

I didn't know a lot about her growing up.

All I knew was Super Woman, Cat Woman, Bat Girl, etc etc.

That's the classic shit though.

I'm not even going into off the wall comics or mangas, silly movies and such.

Cat Woman was a bit more on the villain side if you ask me though.

I'm not completely sold on it.

ANYWAY.

She-Hulk is pretty damn awesome.

DC decided to make/introduce her when someone (not sure who) was talking about/made bionic woman or something, so they decided to make She-Hulk so they had the rights to her name before anyone else came up with it.

Personally, I think she's hot.

much better than Super Woman.

Plus, Green is my favorite color.

just makes mountains of sense to me.

I'm ready for june though.

not only do I get to be one of my favorite villains on facebook, it's my birth month!

I care not for gifts, as I hardly get them anyway.

so I wont' be expecting from anyone really.

Tevin might get me something but that's probably about it besides some random things from my ohana.

but I'll be 20.

I'll be leaving my teen years behind.

Sadly, I feel like I didn't live them to the fullest.

People held me back, Fear held me back.

I held me back.

it's not easy to be adventurous when you have a life like mine.

I'm ready to leave though.

go somewhere and never come back.

I love my home, this town, this state (for some god awful reason).

but I'm so tired of it.

I'm wasting away in this box.

I want out.

even if it means leaving behind everything, though I'd be sure to take Ollivander and InuYasha with me.

Though I'm rusty with my spanish, I've always wanted to go to Barcelona.

but then again, I want to go somewhere no one's heard of.

As long as it isn't Germany.

As soon as I can pick myself up off the ground that I've slept on for so long.

Hopefully no one will see me again.

Oh, side note.

Best fan page of the week on facebook?

"I love you. LOL, jk. I think we should see other people."

haha.

also, sorority life on fb is mad addicting.

my life is surely wasting away.

it's 2:02.

I should go to sleep.

Only to wake up in a few hours.

Just so I can waste another day and then end it with tears.

I don't think I want to get married anymore.

It's about love.

and I certainly wont' ever find that.

WHAT WHAT; I KNIT SWEATERS YO.

to begin with, if you have no clue where the line "what what, i knit sweaters yo" comes from,
go to youtube and look up thug story.
besides that.
the migraines are back.
i've been eating normal.
sleeping more.
and still this horrific headaches occur.
maybe it's the crying and stress, but idk.
i've realized how much of a gemini I am.
i'm already growing bored of people that i used to not be able to live without.
that's what happens when you don't speak to me for a few weeks or so.
i passed everything, even spanish.
yeah, it's a D+
but if you didn't know, i failed almost every test.
skipped four days.
and didn't do well on the online stuff.
i think she was being gracious, as the whole class would've failed anyway.
but I did well in the other classes.
Two B's for my artsy classes and a C for info tech.
To say I'm ready for next semester is an understatement.
I feel dropped.
As if no one finds any importance in me anymore.
The first time in probably 3 years, I spent the night with a friend.
I don't remember having fun like that, even though I was stressed over things, in a long time.
and this friend, Alisha, I've only known for about five months.
it's sad that a friend I've only known for a short time talks and cares about me more than people I've known half of my life.
Julian is dating some girl in Florida.
yeah.
if you know the situation, you'll understand how that's upsetting.
Oh, and another friend told me he missed me and we should talk more, then when i try to talk to him, he ignored me.
great job.
I'm starting to hate people more and more.
and though I'm the biggest social butterfly that there is around here.
I'm finding myself more and more alone these days.
and i hate being alone.
I don't see why I bother.

vanilla sugar.

If I never melted your heart.
You must have never had one to begin with.

oh dear.

{click here}

Okay.

So I'm subscribed to an amazingly funny and talented dude that goes by Timothy De La Ghetto aka Traphik on youtube.

and he posted a video earlier talking about this new "dance" that he just watched himself.

and it's called, Dick Slang.

Now.

Not to be against this or anything, but I'm not sure that this dance, if you can call it such, is a good thing.

If I were a penis, I'm not sure I'd appreciate being slung around next to a bunch of other penises.

However, so many people are giving these poor guys hell over this.

Just because they're mostly half naked and slapping their dicks around at each other doesn't make them gay.

What it does make them, I have no clue.

I just know I've been laughing for the past hour.

mr. sandman, bring me a dream.

I wrote an entire blog.
and then it was erased.
I'm too tired to rewrite that shit.
I'm too tired for anything.
I'm going to go die now.

ching.

I'm utterly un-amused.

I think the world expects from me more than I'm offering.

More and more, guys age 26+ are coming at me.

Even if they were attractive, my age limit is 22.

and even then, I'm not looking persay.

I fell asleep around 9:30 last night and woke up about a hour ago.

I saw my friend's grandma earlier and she felt my neck and told me I felt like I had a fever.

I just feel like I'm dying really.

SLEEP OVER THURSDAY! :D

hopefully momma hasn't changed her mind, since she already said I could.

oh.

the lamb was good in my opinion.

momma wouldn't eat it because it used to be a lamb :/

stupid.

baaaa

I'm going to be cooking lamb for the first time tonight.

Idk if it'll be good or not, but I'm sure I'll manage.

I saw my 10th grade Government teacher today!

I miss him so much ^^

He left the highschool the after I went to 11th grade, so I haven't seen him in 4 to 5 years.

but anyway, I have some fresh thyme and oregano too, though I believe lamb goes with Rosemary.

I think I can use thyme with it though.

and we have some mushrooms.

I'll make it up as I go :p

& I've been thinking of starting a food blog.

Just of everything I cook.

I take pictures sometimes and post them on facebook to make my hungry friends jealous.

Idk yet though.

tagged.

I'm beautiful.
but then I'm ugly?
Only because I rejected your offer to do horrible things to me.
And you kept trying too.
and I kept rejecting.
so I went from hot girl you wanted to #*(#*#@(($)@)! to an ugly bitch who shouldn't even be on the internet?
Shame on you.
I may be ugly (though I'm not), but you're still stupid in the dark.