i found my place in the world.

i've taken so much for granted, it seems that i hardly deserve happiness.

though, i'll be without power for a few days.

no lights.

no nothing.

so there will be no sleep for sherry.

as i cannot fall asleep without the hum of my fan.

monet has grown so much and i fall deeper in love with her everyday.

she's grown almost as much as my feelings for travis.

i thought myself cold.

rigid & stoic.

it's been hard to open up to anyone.

but it's easy around him.

that blonde hair and those stunning eyes make my heart melt everytime i see him.

he's the cheese to my macaroni.

though i fear i shouldn't fall for him.

i won't have much of a choice if i do.

i mean, i shared a mini watermelon with him!

when you do that with a fellow, it's basically like having sex.

it's a huge step :]

lol, no joke.

no one can refuse a mini watermelon with all it's cuteness!

plus, when it's me that's asking, how could any guy ever think of saying no!

as a test, i asked multiple guys that i knew.

all said that they'd share a mini watermelon with me.

only one person asked why before answering, then said sure when i said just answer.

but travis was the only person i wanted to share it with.

so we ate it in his white truck in my drive way :]

ha ha. it was so cute.

he's cute.

some might say that i'm settling, but that's far from it.

i no longer think of the current or next boy that i'm with or interested in as my forever after.

i only think of the now.

because if i try to think of a future with them, i shall surely end up killing myself after the many heartbreaks i endure.

so for the moment, i'm happy.

that's all :]

you wouldn't believe your eyes..

"i get ten thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs."

owl city - fireflies

the video is utterly breathtaking.

& the music makes me so happy.

:]

i'm home now.

i've been away for around two months, and i'm back in my environment.

some stuff happened, so idk what's next.

one chapter down, next one up.

so would you believe me if i said i've realized my mistakes?

i've been so caught up in dreaming of what i used to have, that i'm at a loss at what i had to gain.

so now, i'm in a small battle of my own.

all a girl really wants is love.

a shining knight.

though i'd settle for a geek in some tin foil.

when a guy looks you in the eyes and tells you you're beautiful, you're supposed to believe him right?

when a guy says he wants you as you want him, you're supposed to believe that too?

i wonder why it's hard for me when i get it so much.

not trying to brag or sound full of myself.

but it's pretty hard for a guy to not fall for me if he gave me the chance to squirm my way into his heart.

i'm a sweetheart.

i've melted the hardest and coldest of hearts before.

and yet, all i want now is a heart that's as soft as mine.

i figured i couldn't love after last time.

i haven't fallen for anyone since my last.

and that ended in july.

maybe that's a good thing for once.

i'm so used to being in relationships, that i never take the time to enjoy time with myself.

i want love.

i want compassion.

i want adventure.

i want what all those silly romance novels talk about.

except maybe not all the soft-core porn.

ha ha, jk.

being in his arms felt right today.

but hearing "i don't want to hurt you. i'm sorry" didn't feel right.

how am i ever supposed to believe someone when they tell me one thing, then apologize the next and tell me no?

have i only inuyasha to keep me company for the rest of my life?

i know i'm worth the trouble.

i'm worth a lot.

but i want to know that other people think that way too.

that's a kick.

I AM HYPED.

no joke.

I'm not sure why.

but perhaps it's what was in my glass earlier.

i'd tell, but then it wouldn't be a secret anymore.

and i like secrets.

i'm far from messed up.

so don't assume i'm drunk or anything because i'm not fair reader.

does anyone really read this?

idk.

oh well.

anyway.

i go home the 23rd.

hopefully.

i'll leave early so i can make the football game that night.

YAY FOOTBALL!

i enjoy watching guys tackle each other.

sometimes they even get hurt.

rugby is better though.

i like rugby.

my insides feel warm.

it's interesting.

anywho.

where the wild things are comes out next week.

i have the funds to see this movie, but no one to go with.

& i hate going somewhere alone when i could go with someone.

i like people.

i like wine too.

i corked my first bottle earlier tonight.

i was like "OH MY GOD D:"

i was scared i'd hurt someone or something or myself.

but i didn't.

it was a major success.

don't tell the president though.

he'd probably enquire that i uncork all the wine bottles and be the official wine bottle opener.

i wonder how much that would pay.

idk.

lenny kravitz is on the tele.

he's awfully cute.

i'm enjoying his plaid scarf.

i have a checkered scarf.

and a gray one with fringe at the end.

and i do admit, i look damn sexy while wearing them.

my plaid highheels are awesome too.

i like plaid.

i like my phone too.

it's so easy to talk to people now.

i have mobile email though i rarely use it.

oh and SUDOKU!

i love that game.

really awesome.

i think i want a tattoo for christmas.

perhaps.

monet loves me btw.

totally crazy about my face.

you'd think she was a 19 yr old boy that had the hots for me.

except she's not trying to kiss my mouth.

she keeps atttacking my nose.

my leg hurts a little.

and i think i'm tired.

i'm not completely sure.

i miss painting though.

it's hard to paint with a three yr old in the house.

she'd want to paint to.

and i'm not sharing my gouache with her.

hell nah.

anything but the paint.

gouache.

whatever.

i'm going to dye my hair black i do believe.

and then bleach strands underneath it.

then dye them red later on.

that'd be cool right?

i think so.

i'll have to beat off the fellas with a fly swat.

if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it.

i'm single.

feels better.

at least i think so.

he's a bit delusional though.

and thinks we're on a break.

when i clearly said i wasn't ready for a relationship.

and that i couldn't do it anymore.

i hardly know what i want right now.

i don't have much to worry about.

considering hardly anyone reads this.

and if you do, you must have no life to read the ramblings of a sad 19 yr old girl.

monet is growing up everyday.

i can go outside and say her name and she knows it's me.

if i pick her up, give her two minutes and she's asleep.

i've been singing to her to make her comfortable with my voice.

and saying monet over and over.

she's the only thing i can say i love you to without regretting it later.

boys are major suck right now.

my friend brittany was broken up with the other day because the guy she was with wanted to play the field.

bullshit.

so now, because she wants him back she's agreed to an open relationship.

what kind of fucked up mess is that?

jordan won't stop texting me.

i swear, he's got to be in love with me or something.

he's obsessed.

but ask him how he feels and he doesn't fucking know.

and how do i feel?

it's been going on 3 months.

no one can blame me for not trying.

because i have.

usually, i'd be with someone by now, getting over the last him.

but i'm not.

everything feels wrong.

doesn't matter if the guy is white or black or of any other nationality.

i'm fucked.

and not literally.

i'm amazing.

i'm a stunna.

i'm the best thing that could ever happen to you.

and what do i get?

failure.

i don't want a speech about how i should be happy and buck up.

no thx.

i'm tired of it.

i'm not optimistic, so stop shoving it down my throat plz.

imy.

you have no idea how much.

i lost it today and started crying to JD.

fml.

oh.

bright side?

"OH NO! the caring meter dropped a two whole points!"
oh carebears.

grumpy bear is my favorite.

OH!

even better.

idk how long ago it was.

months i believe.

JD told me that i couldn't die because that would cause the world to end.

so we figured, i'm the bringer of the apocalypse.

i think i'm going to ask ja-chan to draw me something since she's incrediablly amazing.

i did as a certain someone, but he says he didn't get the text i sent explaining what it was.

see.

i want a portrait.

doesn't have to be terribly realistic.

but like those regal ones you know?

like kings and queens type of stuff.

but instead of a silly crown, i want shards of glass coming from out of the top of my skull.

and instead of a septor, i want to be holding brains.

because obviously, i'm a zombie.

i want dread.

decay.

gloom.

i want it somewhat gorey, but not too much.

i'd like to keep all my limbs and such.

both eyes.

blood should be creeping from somewhere too obviously.

that'd be the best ever.

i think i'm offering a blowjob as payment.

or all the change in my pocket book.

which is a good bit.

but if it was me, i'd go for the first one.

tea forks?

if i ever find one, i'llmake sure to keep it a secret.

blondes are trouble.

and i'm not sure i'll ever look at a white guy the same.

i blame you btw.

boyfriend = annoyance.

i can be single again please?

he's crazy.

not the cute kind of crazy.

the "i love you even though i hardly know you" crazy.

it's been weird for me.

he's sweet & cute & all.

but not what i want.

breakup and hear him cry on the phone now?

or risk it being even worse later?

i can get a paper cut and he'd probably cry himself to sleep over it.

he never wants his "babydoll" to hurt.

and this is only day 5.

god.

FML.

at least i have the best puppy ever.

monet > you.

i love her.

dun dun dun.

i was locked out of the house today for 4 hours.
i just got in.
broke in through the back door.

fml.

so i has a boyfriend.

we'll see how that lasts.

he definately is crazy over me.

it's borderline annoying.

i scorched my tongue.

bad day.

i'm ready for the 864.

halloween is coming up.

total fun.

new phone!
it's a cameraaa phone.

mhmmm.

so delicious.

it's gorgeous.