total three sixty?

So this is weird for me.
but not really.
so the stuff with JD.
He said it was impulse.
Whatever.
That'll always be a dead end.
But what about Sherry now?
Well, theres this guy.
oh yea.
dark chocolate.
tall.
handsome.
utterly amazing.
has one of those scruffy voices that I like.
& I'm starting to like him a lot.
I'm scared.
beyond scared.
why would an utterly gorgeous male who could have any female he wanted want me?
gosh.
I'm attracting a large hodgepodge of guys aren't I?
if there was ever time I wanted to be happy, it's right now.
I'm leaving for st Stephens in the morning to live with my aunt in a while.
& I'll hopefully get to see him since he lives in Charleston.
gosh.
speechless doesn't begin to cover it.
:]

All the sounds you make.

Making out in a large tube on a jungle gym playground at the park around 10:00pm is my kinda date.
Even though it wasn't a date.
So that's why I'm like WTF? right now.
I'm leaving soon to stay with my aunt for a while.
So I decided to hang out with some of my closer friends yesterday.
JD, Tevin, & Josh.
Well, JD and I have history.
Major history.
& of course, I still like him.
Maybe a bit more thank like.
We lasted for about a month, then broke up because his family is absolutely racist and hated that I was mixed.
If only they knew what their son does to me. (meant in the most innocent way possible)
So I had to drop off Tevin first because it's a school night and he's the only one that hasn't graduated.
So it was me, JD, & Josh.
We went to the park with the halfass tube slide because it's just an obvious place to hang out in Woodruff.
Well, my mom needed my car, so Josh took it to her.
that left me and JD alone.
oh dear.
I'll admit it, he's probably the best kisser I've had.
No joke.
& those bright blue eyes of his make me melt.
I just love it.
So obviously when he went to kiss me, I didn't pull away.

Josh is a cockblocker btw.
but as always, I'm confused.
He's done this before, when I was homefor Christmas break last year.
Do all guys kiss their ex just because their alone?
Anyone I've asked so far has said no.
I don't want to put so much emotion and hope into something if it was only a fling or something.
When I think about forever, I never really thought of him in that sense of being with when I'm older you know?
I've never really tried to think of him in that way.
It's amazing to me, that he could kiss me like that and we stay just friends.
To my knowledge, I don't just kiss my friends.
He's one of the only people I'd drink or even eat after.
& I absolutely hate doing that.
Idk.
I don't want to confront him and get things all wrong.
I'll always love him.
FML.
I dislike my confusion.

lying on the floor, surrounded surrounded.

My anger is inexcusable.
It's useless to apologize, so I won't.
I wouldn't want my words to fall upon deaf ears.
I was hasty, yes.
But I have my reasons.
I'm over emotional, as most of everyone knows.
so now, you don't have to deal with it, or at least some people don't have to.
I'm more than likely moving..
St Stephens outside Charleston.
That's around 3 hours from here.
Cry?
I promise a lot of tears.
Angry?
Just a few blow ups here and there.
Sadness?
A good bit of it.
I'm leaving behind one of my first families.
My friends.
I already lost my family at college since I couldn't get into Winthrop.
USC is looking grim as the deadline is Wednesday and they haven't even processed me yet.
And now, I have to leave behind what makes me myself, & start over.
fml I guess.
I hate 2009.
I should've said no to everyone this year.
No dating.
No giving up.
Should've tried harder.

& if you don't read this, oh fucking well.

I find no reason to truly keep this particular blogger anymore.
So, I'm deleting it & making a new one.
If you have no interest in my well being then don't worry about it.
Don't follow me.
Don't subscribe to me ever again.
Don't look for me.
I'm done with trying to act like I'm okay to everyone else.
Waking up with bloodshot eyes is not my idea of beauty.
The most insensitive thing a guy could ever say to someone who loves him is "Just try and find a way to forget about me"
Really?
You've got to be kidding me.
I've already lost two people I cared about, and now this?
First a guy I was with for 9 months that I've known since I was 15.
Yeah, we got in a fight and we don't talk anymore.
Second, my ex from last April.

"Delete my number & forget me."
Well damn, what the hell is going on with the world?
Just because someone doesn't love me means I should totally forget them?
heh.
If I remember correctly from the song Ex's and Oh's by Atreyu.
"But I digress. After all this... You're just like all the rest."
I hate to compare, but it's a constant trend it seems.
Oh well.
Travel the world, meet wonderful new people.
& if you do meet that amazing girl that takes your breath away, I hope you remember how you promised this girl in particular forever over and over again.
You don't just fall out of love within two weeks.
Not unless you knew it wouldn't work from the start.
Now I know why you never told your sisters about me & why you referred to me as an "affair" when talking about your parents.
I'm not an affair of ANY person.
I'm not some girl you can fool with one day and then decide she isn't good enough the next.
I deserve happiness.
I deserve what I want.
I've put up with so much bullshit I'm absolutely tired of it.
When I love, I give my all.
Maybe that's a fault, maybe it's not.
I regret nothing.
So I'm terribly sorry that I wasn't "the one" for you.
Whatever.
I can't wait a lifetime for you to change your mind.
I could die tomorrow.
If I did, I surely would not be satisfied with my life.
I won't forget you, it's impossible.
Especially when I have things you gave me.
So whatever.
I'm done waiting right now.
Change your mind in the future?
You know my number.
Hopefully if you do change your mind years later, I might still love you.
I'm bitter, angry, annoyed, frustrated, hurt, & every other adjetive you could imagine right now.
I'd say fuck you, but no thanks.
I don't fuck someone if they don't care about me.

just missed the train.

I have no reason to do anything it seems anymore.
I've lost Winthrop, as it would take loan after loan to go there.
USC is the hardest to get in touch with, as I've already called a few times today and the lines were busy.
And I'm at the 7th temple of The legend of Zelda: A link to the past and I cannot kill the boss.
On top of that are juicy tidbits of despair and loneliness that only add to my distress.
Not to mention a constant headache caused by crying, troubled sleep, & vigorous video playing.
I do not have faith in my success.
I thought I was going somewhere last year, though I was going to make something of myself.
But after getting back for the summer, I've only made a fool of myself.
I let one person step all over me and then apologize when I told him I missed him.
Then I let another cause me to fall in love.
I absolutely hate love.
Yes, I indeed do.
I have a need to have a male figure in my life.
I didn't have my dad growing up, so I've always tried to fill that void.
That's why I'm always at my best when I'm in a relationship, as most of my friends (ex & ongoing) would tell you.
I'm at my happiest when I'm making someone else happy.
You'd ask then, why am I not dating someone?
Don't be fooled reader, it isn't that people haven't asked.
Someone actually asked me out a week ago.
I declined as politely as possible.
Other people have shown an interest, but I've buried myself underneath bad hair days, pajama bottoms, & my gameboy sp.
It may just be my diagnosis, but I'd say I'm depressed or at least close to it.
Every time I read or hear about you going away off to somewhere amazing, I cry.

Every time I think about you moving to the next state above, my heart aches.
Maybe, that's what's wrong with me.
I'm still in love with you.
Of course this would be totally unrequited.
It seems there's a limit to how long someone can love me.
It's just, you made me believe all of these wonderful things I knew weren't true.
You told me forever though I know forever is just a word.
When you said I was beautiful, I actually believed you.
I've only done that once before.
JD said I was beautiful one time, and I believed him because he wouldn't have lied to me.
I had trust in you.
and I gave you my heart.
I don't give up my heart to anyone..
Just like I don't give something I've painted or drawn to just anyone.
& I hope you don't think I'd give just anyone my meerkat.
There's a reason I had two of them.
If it holds no meaning to you, please give it back.
I already cry too much as it is, I'd rather not be proven wrong again.
If I deserve happiness, I'd like to see it.
I won't readily believe in happiness much anymore.
Even if I deserve it, I won't be getting much of it.

If I said I wanted you back, it wouldn't be a surprise.

If you said you wanted me back, I'd ask at what price?

I have eight fingers, how about you?

-off to call USC. again. (it's 12:16PM btw.)

Cha cha cha changes.

Dying my hair as I'm typing this out.
Nice burgundy.
Hopefully it turns out.
I'm still stressed about things, but not as bad I guess.
My friend Caleb gave me his gameboy sp.
I stayed up until 5 saturday playing Hamtaro XD
I love it.
I'm having nightmares again.
Last night, it was pretty bad.
Dreamt about someone I love a lot.
I'm not going into detail, but I woke up almost in tears.
I know things won't go back to the way they were.
But cutting me off completely is killing me..
I haven't heard from him in days.
He'd say "There's no reason to worry, I'm fine."
but how do I know that?
I don't.
So yeah.

I'm finally convinced that I'm a hufflepuff.
Used to be all over ravenclaw, but after taking enough quizzes and knowing the characteristics, I'm definately a hufflepuff.
:D

what do you mean it's only $21.69

I bought gas yesterday and a new spiffy energy drink called SLAP.
$21.69 even, no tax.
It's tax free weekend D:
Oh gosh.
& I have a little piece of money in my wallet.
>.>
I have to save at least $15 for my phone.
But that still leaves me with about $20.
So I'm torn.
Hair bleach or glasses?
D:
I miss my glasses.
Lost them around January of this year.
They were asthetically pleasing.
I think I look nice with glasses.
But then, I need a change.
& I usually go for hair dye.
But Idk if I should go for the bleach.
gosh.
& then I wanted to go to the movies the 14th.
So many movies are coming out.
I've been thinking about another tattoo lately.
I was thinking flower petals or something of some kind.
But I'd have to get it somewhere that wouldn't be out in the open.
or a guitar pick behind my left ear.
Idk.
I wouldn't be getting it for a while, so I still have time to think.
I applied to USC.
Sent my application & the fee (SUCKS MAJORLY. $40. WTF?)
lol.
so let's hope they accept me?
.______.
I really hope so.
Otherwise I'll be going to tech until they do accept me.
Not going back to WU ever probably.
EEK.
So, atm I'm not interested in seeing new people.
understandable of course.
But this guy named Pat that lives in TEXAS (wtf?) won't leave me alone.
He didn't text me for a week, so I thought I was safe.
He texted me yesterday and decided to tell me he liked me.
-_________-
He was like "I just wanted to tell you that I've been thinking about you all the time and I was beginning to like you" And I was like.. "okay." And he said "Is it okay that I like you?" and I said, "I guess, but it wouldn't work out. I don't do long distance." because I was being polite-ish and he said "I can move there. If we were together I'd make it work" and I didn't reply so he texted again and said "But if you just want to be friends, as long as we stay close and talk, I'll be okay" and I said "That'd be best."
I'm like... lolwhut?
There's nothing about him that wow's me in the first place.
His texts are just.. well he can't spell most of the time.
He asks questions about me that rarely anyone asks and it's annoying.
& he's already said things that've made me upset.
I sit here comparing everyone to you now.
& there's only one guy that I can think of that doesn't even add up to you that I'd be with.
But it's like this.
He's chocolate chip cookie dough icecream for me.
Utterly delicious and good for a time, but really really bad for me.
& we had our time together, it's over now.
plus, all I can think about is you.
BLARGH.
fml.

forever never lasts.

watch me on DA yo.
it'll make me feel better.

You can say it's life.
It happens to everyone.
I'm not one to whine all the time.
At least I hope not.
But the past two weeks have been rather horrid.
One; single again.
& yes, I'm still taking it hard.
Two; my grandfather went to the hospital monday, just got out today.
He has diverticulosis & there's no doubt in my mind that if he had not gone to the hospital, he would've bled to death.
Three; transfer.
I'm not going back to Winthrop.
I can't afford it this year, so I'm trying to transfer to USC upstate.
I hope it'll be okay.
I haven't been near a computer in forever, so that's why the lack of update.
I've been crying for days now.
& I've already stated on the fb that I hated my life.
& I do.
2009 has been horrid to me.
It started with heartbreak, & it continues to give me more than I can handle.
Not only have I lost someone I had hoped to have a future with, but I also lost the place I thought I was going to make a future with.
The only good thing is that papa is okay.
& that my ex roomie and I defeated champions of norrath the day before we watched the last harry potter movie together.
Otherwise, my life sucks.